I'll Love You When I'm In Hell
by Countess Beckie
Summary: Dean and Castiel have feelings for each other but Dean doesn't know about Cas's feelings and Cas doesn't know about Dean's feelings. Will Dean be too stubborn? Will Cas be too shy? Will it be too late for the both of them? You just have to read to find out!
1. (Main story)

***Castiel***

Dean gazed into my eyes. "Cas, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"

"The fact wasn't whether it hurt or not, it was… it was…" I forgot what I was going to say as Dean bit his lip.

"It was what?"

"I can't remember. It is not of import."

"What are you thinking about?" Dean asked me. 'You' I thought.

"Lollipops and candy canes!"

"Sometimes you remind me of Sam." That's not good!

"I am flattered." I deadpanned.

"I didn't mean that, I don't like you that way, you just say things like Sam." Dean choked on Sam's name.

"Oh right. I am sorry, I did not mean to make you sad. I know your brother's departure was sudden, but it has been almost two weeks."

"I know. I just need a bit more time."

"That is fine. I'll just go then."

"Bye Cas." I teleported to my lounge.

"God Castiel. Can't you do anything right? You made Dean upset and now he does not like you!" I said to myself. The sofa looked so comfortable so I slipped into it. "Ahhh…" it was comfortable.

"You have to learn not to speak of Sam! It will only make Dean sad. You want to comfort him, not make him upset! You should go to him, apologise. However this sofa is extremely soft. You will go to him later." I said half to myself, half to Dean. I talk to Dean sometimes, when he's not around. He is my Sherlock's skull, that is what Sam said, before he left.

I do not exactly know what happened to Sam, he just disappeared. Dean will not tell me where he is!

* * *

"Dean? Dean? NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY DEAN! I will die first!" I awoke from the nightmare in which I lost my Dean. "It was just a dream, but_ I must find my Winchester_. Just to be safe!" I teleported to Dean's most recent motel only to find that he was not there. He was stumbling around outside, drunk. "Dean, I am glad I have found you! I have feared for you!"

"Thaat's niice Casss…" He responded.

"Dean, you're drunk!" "Weell there Captainn Obbviouss! Noww II'm drunk, whaa are you guuna doo with mee?" He slurred.

"Let's get you to be, shall we?" I gathered up his leather jacket and walked him to his motel room.

"Cass,"

"Yes?"

"Don't leeave me toonight. Please?" His speech was getting better, less slurred.

"Of course. I'll just sit on this chair."

"I wass hoping… it doessn't matter."

"No. I will do it."

"What? Oh, I wass going to ssay, I was hopingg you'd sleep next to me, on the bed."

"I will. If that is what you want."

"Yes." Dean slipped onto the bed and glanced at me. I panicked. I decided I couldn't sleep in my suit and trenchcoat, so I took it all off. I was bare-chested but I kept on my trousers. Dean saw this and saw it was a good idea. He pulled off everything down to his trousers too. I shivered. Wow, just wow.

I sunk into the bed and soon fell asleep. Sometime during the night, Dean had rolled into me and shuffled into my chest because I woke to find him nestled there.

"Dean." I didn't really want to wake him but I figured I needed to go back home.

"Mmm… Cas, I…"

"I need to leave."

"No, Cas. Stay for waffles!"

"But," Dean was giving me puppy dog eyes.

"Alright, I'll stay!"

"Great. Let's put some clothes on, and then go out for waffles!" That's exactly what we did.

* * *

"Isn't this more fun than going home?" Dean asked me.

"Everything with you is more fun than going home." I whispered. Dean looked up at me. "I just mean that you… make everything fun. I… forget it."

"You've had a great time and you'd like to do it again?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I, Dean Winchester am asking you, Castiel, would it be Novak cause I'm never quite sure?"

"Yes,"

"I, Dean Winchester am asking you, Castiel Novak on a date."

"Wha… yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, I will go on a date with you!"

"Wow, that's… wow!" Unfortunately to say, that was one of my fantasies. Today was the worst, yet best day of my life. The day sort of went like this:

I decided I should apologise about mentioning Sam when I last talked to Dean, I went looking for him and found him passed out on the sidewalk. So, I took him to the motel and put him to bed. I sat on the uncomfortable, wooden chair in the corner watching over him all night. I was still there when he first opened his eyes but I teleported straight after.

"Seriously Castiel, you are not doing very well, maybe you should just tell Dean. No, that is not an option!"

* * *

_I have decided after thinking long and hard that I will tell Dean my feelings for him, right now!_ I teleported into Dean's motel room. "Dean, I…" He wasn't there. I watched it from the window, powerless. I couldn't have stopped it if I had tried, and boy did I try. Dean was walking across the road, towards the motel. I was the last thing he saw before the truck hit him.

I ran outside, but I was _too late_. There was so much blood! I don't even know where it came from. A passerby used their phone to call for help as I was in tears. I rocked Dean back and forth on the road, screaming for help, sobbing whilst he was limp in my arms. As I rocked him, a package fell from his back pocket. I picked it up and it said my name on it, so I opened it. 'Cas, I saw this and thought of you!' It was a leather bracelet which had a pair of black angel wings hanging from it. They looked like mine. It was perfect. How ironic.

A van making noises and had flashing lights turned up soon after. They took Dean away and they asked me if I wanted to come with them. I did. We travelled somewhere, it was a haze as I was just focused on trying to keep Dean alive. A woman had hooked him up to many machines and had told me that he had a broken leg, possible concussion, TBI (traumatic brain injury) and maybe a spiral-cord injury or was it spinal-cord. I can't remember.

He looked so vulnerable, he's never been hurt this badly before. Maybe a dislocated arm here, a twisted ankle there. He was probably hurt a lot worse in Hell but there, they made him better. The lady said he might not get better! I cried for what seemed like hours before the van stopped and they wheeled Dean into a building. I did not know what was happening. They were asking me questions but I could not really hear because there was so much noise. I collapsed.

* * *

"What has happened to Dean Winchester? Please, he is my… my… _brother_." I said brother because I remember Dean telling me a while ago that family can know thing in hospital that friends can't and family get to stay longer.

"He's your brother?" A man asked.

"Yes!"

"Well, your brother has, he has been in a lot of pain and so it's natural for patients like him to do this."

"Do what? I do not understand!"

"Your brother has gone into a coma. I'm sorry. We have already performed the necessary operations. He seems like a fighter, but even so the chance of him waking up is extremely slim!"

"How slim?" I choked out.

"I don't think you'd want to know."

"HOW SLIM, DOCTOR?" I snapped.

"With his injuries, one in a million would wake. He's lost a lot of blood, so it might be even smaller. I am sorry. What would you like us to do?"

"My family has lots of money, please move him into a private room and keep him plugged into the life support. _I_ will pay."

"Alright." The doctor wandered off.

"Wait! Where is he?"

"Follow me." I followed him to where Dean was.

Dean looked like a mess. After a team moved him into the private room, I sat on a chair by the bed and cried. I pressed my hand to his forehead but I knew it was futile, Dean was just too far gone to be healed. I cried until I had the sense to call Sam. I tried all of his phone numbers but they all went to a recorded message. I left a message at each one, growing increasingly worried.

As night fell, I felt hopeless. I started to sing to Dean.

Carry on my wayward son

Carry on my wayward son

There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion

Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion

I was soaring ever higher

But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man

Though my mind could think, I still was a mad man

I hear the voices when I'm dreaming

I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son

There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion

Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean

I set a course for winds of fortune

But I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son

There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

No!

Carry on, you will always remember

Carry on, nothing equals the splendor

Now your life's no longer empty

surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son

There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry,

Don't you cry no more.

After a while I changed the song.

I need a hero

Where have all the good men gone

And where are all the Gods?

Where's the street-wise Hercules

To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and I turn

And I dream of what I need

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero

'Til the end of the night

He's gotta be strong

And he's gotta be fast

And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero

'Til the morning light

He's gotta be sure

And it's gotta be soon

And he's gotta be larger than life (Larger than life)

Somewhere after midnight

In my wildest fantasy

Somewhere just beyond my reach

There's someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder

And rising with the heat

It's gonna take a Superman

To sweep me off my feet

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero

'Til the end of the night

He's gotta be strong

And he's gotta be fast

And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero

'Til the morning light

He's gotta be sure

And it's gotta be soon

And he's gotta be larger than life

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero

Til the end of the night

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above

Out where the lightning splits the sea

I could swear that there's someone somewhere watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain

And the storm and the flood I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero

'Til the end of the night

He's gotta be strong

And he's gotta be fast

And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero

'Til the morning light

He's gotta be sure

And it's gotta be soon

And he's gotta be larger than life

I got some paper and decided to do what a Winchester would do. I wrote:

_Dean, _

_Do not be alarmed at your quick recovery, I have done what any Winchester would do. I know you would do it for me. I just wanted to tell you that I love you! Ever since we first met, when you stabbed me, I have loved you. This is me showing it. Do not come after me. Do not feel sorry for me. I have done this for you. Goodbye Dean._

_Castiel_

_xxx_

I slipped it into his hand and kissed his forehead. "I love you." I walked off. After I got outside the hospital, I teleported to a cross-roads. I felt numb. I summoned the demon.

"How may I… _angel_!"

"I wish to trade my soul for Dean Winchester's. He is close to death. I want him to be how he was, physically, before the truck hit him. He will live a long life because an angel in Hell is very valuable. I also want Sam to be with him; brothers reunited. How much time can you give me?"

"Well, sugar, Dean didn't tell you?"

"What?"

"Little Sammy's in Hell too. So two mortal souls for an angel soul, seems like you don't get any time. I take you now, or we don't make a deal. Sam stays in Hell, Dean dies and you get to live!"

"I'll take it!"

"What?"

"I said, _I'll take the damn deal_!"

"Alright." I touched the bracelet Dean gave me and then lent inwards. We kissed to seal the deal and I was transported to Hell.

***Dean***

I looked into Cas's eyes and saw nothing but goodness. He had not been tainted by the world. He was pure. . "Cas, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" I bit my lip, unsure of his answer.

"The fact wasn't whether it hurt or not, it was… it was…"

"It was what?"

"I can't remember. It is not of import." He said.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him. I could never tell what he was thinking about, sometimes not knowing bugged me.

"Lollipops and candy canes!" Sam said that once, I frowned.

"Sometimes you remind me of Sam." I think I hurt his feelings.

"I am flattered." _Liar._

"I didn't mean that, I don't like you that way, you just say things like Sam." I choked on his name.

"Oh right. I am sorry, I did not mean to make you sad. I know your brother's departure was sudden, but it has been almost two weeks."

"I know. I just need a bit more time." Time, what is time without family? Cas is the only on I've got left. Apart from Bobby.

"That is fine. I'll just go then." _**No!**_

"Bye Cas." He teleported out of the room.

"Why did I have to start talking about Sammy? He wouldn't have left if I hadn't of said about Sammy! Sam died, I have to get over that! He died and he's not coming back! Never! There is no way. He made me swear that I would never try to get him back. Never!" I walked to the Convenience store and went in with $250.

"I'd like a Jack Daniels please. Actually, make that four."

"That's one hundred and twenty dollars." I handed over that cash. I strolled out of the premises and popped open the first bottle as I sat down on the pavement. It took me about an hour and a half to drink all of the alcohol.

"Hey handsome, you wanna hitch a ride?" A woman slowed in her car.

_"Askafla naoa."_

"Wha… oh, forget it." She drove off. Soon after, I passed out.

When I woke up, I was in my bed in the motel and I saw Cas. I smiled. But when I blinked he was gone.

"Cas" It was too late. He really was my guardian angel. I sighed. If only he knew how I really felt. I loved that goofy angel but because I was so stubborn, he would never find out.

I decided to go out, get some fresh air and get over this god damn hangover. I walked for a while and then decided to do something productive. I called Bobby to see if he had any news on Sammy but he didn't. I stayed in town for an hour believe it or not reading. Specifically on angels. When I was leaving, I passed a jewellery store. In the window was a bracelet. It reminded me of Cas, so I bought it. It was beautiful. It was a brown leather and had a pair of wings on it. The wings were black as coal and they reminded me of Cas's.

I went next door and got a pen, paper and wrapping paper. I wrapped it up and stuck a not to it. It said_ 'Cas, I saw this and thought of you!'_ Not very poetic, I know but I'm sure he'd appreciate it. I carefully slid it in my back pocket then headed back to the motel.

As I crossed the road, I saw Cas in the motel room. "Cas, buddy!" I shouted as the truck hit me. The force was so strong it winded me. I heard a snap before I hit my head an passed out. I came in and out of consciousness for about an hour. It pained me to see Cas so upset. I tried to tell him not to cry but I physically couldn't.

* * *

I awoke completely unharmed. It was a miracle. Only angels… the son of a bitch! I felt something in my hand. It was a note. It said

_Dean,_

_ Do not be alarmed at your quick recovery, I have done what any Winchester would do. I know you would do it for me. I just wanted to tell you that I love you! Ever since we first met, when you stabbed me, I have loved you. This is me showing it. Do not come after me. Do not feel sorry for me. I have done this for you. Goodbye Dean._

_Castiel_

_xxx_

"Jesus Cas. Why did you have to go that far?" I said to open space. "I hope you got a good deal."

"Doctor, doctor! The patient is awake!" The nurse called.

"Hi, I've really gotta be somewhere. Can you just let me go and I'll be back in a few hours, maybe?" I asked.

"No. we have to check your vitals! You were only comatose for about three and a half hours, but you were still comatose. You cannot leave for another half hour at least! Is there someone we can call? Your brother was here but he left fifteen minutes ago."

"My… my brother?" my brother's been dead for the last two weeks I thought.

"Yes, your brother."

"Very tall guy, shaggy dark brown hair?"

"No, just above average height, short cut medium brown hair."

"Was he wearing a trenchcoat above a suit?" "

Yes,"

"Cas,"

"Who?"

"My older brother, the other description was my younger brother. I was just trying to work out which one was here."

"Can I call your father or mother? Someone?"

"Yeah." I gave the nurse Bobby's number. She called him and then came back to me.

"Hi, what did he say?"

"Your uncle Bobby is looking after your younger brother so he can't come to get you. He asked for you to call him though, as soon as humanely possible. Ha, he's a joker that one! Was there anything else you wanted?"

"Yes, the first is your phone number." I flashed a grin and she wrote down her phone number. Score! Not like I was ever going to use it! "Second, did you find anything in my back pocket? A package maybe?"

"No, your pockets were empty." Cas must have found his bracelet.

"Finally, what was wrong with me?"

"You had a broken leg, brain damage, damage to your spinal cord, loss of blood, concussion and you were in a coma. I'm surprised you're alive, let alone how you are restored completely to health!"

"Yeah, it's a miracle alright!"

After all the necessary tests, I was free to go. I caught a taxi to the motel where I packed up my things and drove to Bobby's in the Impala.

Once I got there a familiar face greeted me at the door, it was Sam.

"Sammy, is that you?"

"Unfortunately." We hugged I knew it was him, I could just tell.

"Why is it unfortunate?"

"Because, Cas sold his soul to save me!"

"What, no he sold his soul to save me."

"Boys, an angel's soul is worth that of three. Or two if one is so damaged that it needs restoring. Like yours Dean. Cas sold his soul to save the both of you!" Bobby cut in.

"What, no! _That son of a bitch!_" I said.

"Dean, it's done! Let it go."

"NO!" I stormed out, determined to get my angel back. I tried everything, I called the cross-roads demon, I got a witch but she wasn't much help, I prayed to Raphael, cause he's the angel of Death. I even tried summoning Lucifer but he didn't come.

I broke down once I realised it was hopeless, I would never see my angel again, never move his hair from his eyes, never tell him I loved him. And I did, I loved him. Super fluffy love, not normal love at all. I loved him with all my heart and soul and I would never be able to tell him because he was gone!

**(A/N I don't own Supernatural etc... or the songs etc... my friend helped me edit it today a pair of fresh eyes. Please check out my other Supernatural fanfiction. I love you guys xxx)**


	2. 25 years later (sequel)

***Dean***

"Hi honey. I'm home." Janie shouted.

"I'm in here!" I shouted back. Janie is my wife and we've been married almost ten years now. I still feel empty without Cas by my side. It's like someone tore my heart out and stabbed it over and over and over again. Sounds stupid, but even 25 years later I still cry myself to sleep every night. He was my first true love, and I never got to tell him how I felt… feel!

I love Janie, but not even Janie compares to Castiel. Nobody compares to my angel.

Janie doesn't even know about Cas. I couldn't bring myself to talk about him. Every 26th of March I am too much of a mess to get out of bed. It kills me over and over again. It should have been me not him. It should never have been him…

"Are you okay Dean? You don't look too good! Do you want me to run you a bath?" Janie came over to me and put her fingers to my head to check my temperature. I felt cold, detached. Today it is 25 years exactly. I can't believe it has been that long. It seems only yesterday. I still keep the note he left me. It's in my sock drawer.

"Yes. A bath would be nice." I said looking down at the bracelet I bought him. It was returned to me after he – left. I found it under my pillow one day. I have treasured it ever since.

The note and the bracelet are the only solid things I have left of his. I have memories, but that's all they are, _just memories_.

I got into the bath, then got out after a while. I can't feel anything. Everything feels emotionless, distant. Like I'm not alive, not living.

"DEAN!" Castiel screamed.

"Cas?" No it can't have been Cas. I'm imagining him_ again_.

"DEAN!" There it was again. I can't have imagined it twice!

"DEAN!" There was a sobbing sound coming from downstairs. It wasn't Castiel, I realised. It was Janie.

"Hold on Janie! I'M COMING!" I rushed downstairs to find a cloaked man stood over Janie. She was lying on the floor in a pool of blood, her blood. I watched from the doorway, frozen with fear. I've never been this scared before. Well, that's not true. Last time I was this scared it was because I never thought I would see my angel again.

I thought wrong. The cloaked man pulled his cloak off in one swift movement and turned to face me. It was him. The man from my dreams, my nightmares. It was _Castiel_.

"Cas? Is it really you?" I whispered.

"Yes. And I have come to collect from you that what was once mine."

"What are you talking about?" I remembered about Janie and kneeled by her side. "Janie talk to me! C'mon baby, talk to me!" I started crying. "Cas? Did you see who did this?"

"Yes."

"Who did it?"

"I did."

"Oh God. Why?"

"Your God won't help you now, Dean Winchester."

"What do you want?"

"Your life." In that last word, the true impact of why he was back dawned on me.

"You've come to collect from me that what was once yours. You sold your soul to save me. Now you want it back." I breathed.

"Yes." He looked barely human, well he wasn't human. But he looked unrecognisable, ghastly even. A mere shadow of his former self, a shadow of the man I loved.

I had to get Janie seen to otherwise she would die and I would never forgive myself. I voiced this.

"No. You won't forgive yourself. It will just add to the torment in Hell. Which is why the girl must die!"

"Please Cas. If you have even a tiny bit of humanity left in you, let me call her an ambulance. Then you can take me!"

"Sorry, no can do. See, I've had a lot of time to think whilst I was in Hell. You're too heroic! Too macho. If I kill this girl where she lay, you will be more torn up about it than if I kill you!"

"Why did you say you wanted my life then?"

"All in due time my boy. All in due time."

"Dean, help me." Janie rasped out. As the last few flickers of life left her eyes, I stood and reached for the cabinet. I drew out a gun. It wasn't just any old gun, it was Samuel Colt's gun. I pointed it at Castiel and shot him.

What happened next was a blur. Cas fell to the floor, dead and I reached for the phone to call an ambulance.

I realised it was no hope, not for Castiel who was now dead by my hands. Not for Janie, dead by Cas's hands, or for me who was also dead by my own hands. Don't think I killed myself, I didn't. it just felt like I did when I shot the only man that I loved and when he killed the only woman that I loved.

Honestly, I think I died 25 years ago when I didn't die…


End file.
